The Week I Forgot Who I Was and Had a Meltdown
(Disclaimer: This is slightly melodramatic)
Two weeks ago we had a fun week. Monday was our first meeting of our home school co-op group. (Read cooperative learning...we each take turns teaching things/caring for kids). This meant a rushed morning, late nap times and lots of new faces. Tuesday we did a field trip to Carillon park...which was awesome. I want to go back without the kids so I can soak more of it up. It was just really neat and the weather was beautiful. Wednesday we were home during the day but had a date that night. Thursday I had scheduled a play date - meaning I took my kids to the park to play with some other kids while I spent some needed time talking to a woman who encourages me to grow my soul. I needed that soul food. Friday night, I lost my mind.
Seriously. Ya'll, I spent most of Friday fighting tears. The kids were acting up, I was lost as how to get them back to normal. I felt completely spent and ready to just stay in bed for a week. Then heaven forbid a comment was made that had me questioning all my intentions, work ethic and desires. I. Lost. It. I cried - a lot. I almost called one of my friends who is prone to emotions to find out what was wrong with me and how to deal with it. I'll tell the truth - I was angry. In a self righteous and I deserve more than this (whatever this was) kind of way.
I stewed on it. I ranted a little. God and I had a nice, loud talk in the car (I was loud - He probably would have whispered some truth if I let Him get a word in.) I bought some jeans that fit me. (Ok, that was part of the plan for the day anyway but seriously walking out of the store with two nice pairs of jeans that actually fit me for $30 was kind of amazing.) I went to the grocery store and then went home and ate ice cream. I laid in bed for quite awhile just frustrated and slightly buzzed on sugar. All the lies swirled around inside of me...
...my ministry isn't enough.
...my kids don't get enough of my time.
...I'm constantly busy.
...they aren't outside enough.
...clearly I'm not loving.
...my husband is neglected.
...I can't get my work done.
and on and on and on. Finally, thankfully, I fell asleep. The next morning I spent some time thinking (ok, in the shower because that is really the only place I get my thinking done. It's quiet there and I just yell "I CAN'T HEAR YOU" if people come knocking on the door.) I came to the stunning realization...I forgot who I was.
I am an introvert my friends. Monday - new faces, lots of time out. Tuesday - field trip to a new to me place, with five kids, and my aunt. Listening, seeing, exploring. Thursday - conversation, chasing kids, in and out of the car. By Friday I was done. I needed down time, my kids needed down time. I can't function at that level. After Monday I should have just stopped. But I had gotten it in my head that all these things, all this going was the best thing I could do. It wasn't. I forgot who I was.
This past week I declared us hermits. As in, we were leaving the house for NOTHING. (Ok, well after home school group on Monday and giving someone a ride on Tuesday...but Tuesday doesn't really count). HERMITS I tell you! And so we got comfy and watched more tv than we should and caught up on housework and played outside. We finished our school work on four days (Grace had a tooth pulled on Friday or it would have been five). We were caught up, we were rested, we were back to normal. Less bickering, more enjoyment. Less rushing, more fun. Oh Lord, I needed that.
So friends, unless you want everyone to think you've lost your mind, don't forget who you are. Listen when it seems like your world is conspiring against you to teach you a lesson. And whatever you do, stay out of the comparison trap. I'm an awesome mom to some awesome kids and I may not parent like everyone else, but that's just fine. Ask them, they're well adjusted and happy (although they may mention a severe lack of ice cream).
And that's my story my friends.
Coming soon...how Jesus took my brain, twisted it all sorts of ways and left me to deal with it. Ha ha, just kidding. Well, not about the first part but maybe I'll get to share once He teaches me how to put it back together. In the meantime, I'm hoping for some more How I Manage posts.
Two weeks ago we had a fun week. Monday was our first meeting of our home school co-op group. (Read cooperative learning...we each take turns teaching things/caring for kids). This meant a rushed morning, late nap times and lots of new faces. Tuesday we did a field trip to Carillon park...which was awesome. I want to go back without the kids so I can soak more of it up. It was just really neat and the weather was beautiful. Wednesday we were home during the day but had a date that night. Thursday I had scheduled a play date - meaning I took my kids to the park to play with some other kids while I spent some needed time talking to a woman who encourages me to grow my soul. I needed that soul food. Friday night, I lost my mind.
Seriously. Ya'll, I spent most of Friday fighting tears. The kids were acting up, I was lost as how to get them back to normal. I felt completely spent and ready to just stay in bed for a week. Then heaven forbid a comment was made that had me questioning all my intentions, work ethic and desires. I. Lost. It. I cried - a lot. I almost called one of my friends who is prone to emotions to find out what was wrong with me and how to deal with it. I'll tell the truth - I was angry. In a self righteous and I deserve more than this (whatever this was) kind of way.
I stewed on it. I ranted a little. God and I had a nice, loud talk in the car (I was loud - He probably would have whispered some truth if I let Him get a word in.) I bought some jeans that fit me. (Ok, that was part of the plan for the day anyway but seriously walking out of the store with two nice pairs of jeans that actually fit me for $30 was kind of amazing.) I went to the grocery store and then went home and ate ice cream. I laid in bed for quite awhile just frustrated and slightly buzzed on sugar. All the lies swirled around inside of me...
...my ministry isn't enough.
...my kids don't get enough of my time.
...I'm constantly busy.
...they aren't outside enough.
...clearly I'm not loving.
...my husband is neglected.
...I can't get my work done.
and on and on and on. Finally, thankfully, I fell asleep. The next morning I spent some time thinking (ok, in the shower because that is really the only place I get my thinking done. It's quiet there and I just yell "I CAN'T HEAR YOU" if people come knocking on the door.) I came to the stunning realization...I forgot who I was.
I am an introvert my friends. Monday - new faces, lots of time out. Tuesday - field trip to a new to me place, with five kids, and my aunt. Listening, seeing, exploring. Thursday - conversation, chasing kids, in and out of the car. By Friday I was done. I needed down time, my kids needed down time. I can't function at that level. After Monday I should have just stopped. But I had gotten it in my head that all these things, all this going was the best thing I could do. It wasn't. I forgot who I was.
This past week I declared us hermits. As in, we were leaving the house for NOTHING. (Ok, well after home school group on Monday and giving someone a ride on Tuesday...but Tuesday doesn't really count). HERMITS I tell you! And so we got comfy and watched more tv than we should and caught up on housework and played outside. We finished our school work on four days (Grace had a tooth pulled on Friday or it would have been five). We were caught up, we were rested, we were back to normal. Less bickering, more enjoyment. Less rushing, more fun. Oh Lord, I needed that.
So friends, unless you want everyone to think you've lost your mind, don't forget who you are. Listen when it seems like your world is conspiring against you to teach you a lesson. And whatever you do, stay out of the comparison trap. I'm an awesome mom to some awesome kids and I may not parent like everyone else, but that's just fine. Ask them, they're well adjusted and happy (although they may mention a severe lack of ice cream).
And that's my story my friends.
Coming soon...how Jesus took my brain, twisted it all sorts of ways and left me to deal with it. Ha ha, just kidding. Well, not about the first part but maybe I'll get to share once He teaches me how to put it back together. In the meantime, I'm hoping for some more How I Manage posts.
I love this. So real. So raw.
ReplyDeleteBut I have to be honest... I read the first paragraph and thought, "that's a lot of time with people." Lol I'm glad you're back together.. Miss you!