One day at a time...


Experiencing a major life event often draws me back to the keyboard.  This place to write and think and process.  I get in a mode where I want to remember, document, explain, teach, encourage, feel.  All those things that get stirred up when there is a jolt to the normal.  It makes the normal seem much more significant.

Right now?  Right now I am getting through a day at a time.  Grief is hard because it comes and goes in waves and is often quite unexpected.  I know certain songs will move me to tears just with the first few words.  Other times I am able to sing and praise knowing that God is in control.  I walk through the grocery store and have those thoughts of another baby blanket, or bottles will only be packed away for a short time...except neither of those things are needed now.  And I pause.

Wednesday I discussed the goodness of God....and wept.  Thursday I got my hair and nails done...knowing I was simply trying outwardly to feel normal again.  Friday I prepared for a wedding...knowing I would never plan a wedding with this baby. Saturday I ran a race...thinking about how I was supposed to be doing my second race pregnant.  Sunday I worshiped...knowing my God is SO good, but it was still so hard.

When we lost our first baby, I lost myself a bit.  I look at it as probably the turning point of my faith.  The question had to be answered - was God worth worshiping or not?  I landed on yes, He is worthy and His faithfulness is never in doubt.  After the loss of this baby, I am thankful I have already answered that question.  I don't need to wonder if He is good.  I KNOW, I know deep in my soul my God is good, faithful, unchanging, perfect and Holy.  I don't have to question that.  The sting of death is still there...but this time I do not feel like I have been abandoned.  I know my God is walking through this valley with me and I am thankful for that.

I also know that with time the ache lets up.  I know that the triggers become fewer and the pauses are less painful.  I know that it is ok if I cry but it is also ok to laugh.  I still get to celebrate what is before me and that does not diminish the loss. 

We sang this song yesterday...and it is my prayer that my heart will ALWAYS choose to say "Lord, blessed be Your name".


You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

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